1. A-Rod
Wear: street clothes, South Beach-chic
Have: a blonde with you; suggestions: Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Madonna
Accessories: pile of damp Monopoly $1000 bills. Tell everyone you’re crying into your money.
2. Ryan Howard
Wear: Phillies uniform
Have: stunned, vacant look
Accessories: a whole bunch of Ks, and a bat that stays right on your shoulder
3. Brian Wilson
Wear: orange cleats, crazy beard, tattoos and intensity
Have: a winning personality
Accessories: Ryan Howard (see above)
4. Pablo Sandoval
Wear: fat suit, Sandoval jersey
Have: a lot of weight to throw around
Accessories: a series of moons, as you’ll be so large, you’ll have your own gravitational pull and will be able to make them orbit
5. Officiating Crew
Wear: gray pants, black shirt, blindfold
Have: disregard for facts of the physical world, including behavior of ball when it has: been touched by a fan; struck a player in the leg; NOT struck a player in the leg.
Accessories: instant replay machine with “out of order” sign; autograph book filled with Yankees; bonus points for pestering A-Rod all night to “complete my collection – I’m your biggest fan!”
6. C.J. Wilson
Wear: Rangers gear, dressed for bullpen
Have: Blackberry; lightning fast thumbs for Tweeting awesomeness like this, this, this, and this.
Accessories: you can’t carry anything, dumbass, your hands are busy with Twitter
7. Tim Lincecum
Wear: hippie hair, hat, awkward, shy smile
Have: bloodshot eyes, insane fastball, couple of Cy Youngs
Accessories: bag of weed and assorted paraphernalia
8. Nolan Ryan
Wear: Shirt, tie, nice pants, cleats
Have: Millions of dollars, Major League Baseball team ownership, 80+ mph fastball (still!)
Accessories: ALCS trophy, open hand for smacking team into line when necessary
9. Ron Washington
Wear: ill-fitting uniform, cross-training shoes, glasses
Have: twitchy mannerisms, child-like enthusiasm, and deceptively awesome command of managing
Accessories: bag of powdered sugar
Yep, I only bothered to get to nine. Am I lazy, or am I looking for your ideas? My costume is set. . . but I am not opposed to changing midways thru the party. Submit your ideas in the comments.
This week I begin my baseball training sessions. Expect photos of my bruises next week, and a blow by blow of what I’ve learned, re: how to be the best third baseman in Lansing co-ed ball (in a skirt!).