1. Post fewer pictures of my dogs online or post less about my life in general.
Maybe not everyone thinks it’s hilarious when my wiener dog is sleep-farting on the couch. Dachshunds in various states of repose and/or sporting the latest in blanket burrito fashion may only be of interest to other grad school shut-ins. Not everyone’s a crazy dog lady—I get it. But people must at least care about the jerkholes I run into at Starbucks on a daily basis. . . right?! No. In fact, since I go to the jerkhole Starbucks I should probably assume that I, too, am one of the jerks in this jerkstore.
Wait, is that a photo of your newborn baby covered in birthing goo bungee jumping out of your wife’s womb sullying my Facebook feed? Yeah. Forget everything I was just resolving.
2. Speaking of feeds, I vow to be less jealous of those people who post about the amazing seven course dinners (juicy photos included) that they “just threw together” while doing a load of laundry, ironing out a pesky chapter in their latest novel, and de-lousing the friendly neighbor child they babysit (free of charge) in the afternoons.
No, I will not be jealous as I eat canned bean surprise (straight from the can — that’s the surprise!) in my yoga pants that have yet to see the pure and healing stretchy joys of yoga. Om to you my friends. Eat heartily! Think not of me in my bean-stained yoga pants yelling sage advice to Snooki on the TV. We’re cool. I swear.
3. This year I will not watch Jersey Shore or any permutation of The Kardashians.
Not even Kim and Khloe: Two Hos in Hoboken? No, I will be strong. What if J-Woww brings her cute dogs back to the shore? No. I have my own dogs to look at. What if Kourtney goes all weird Mama Zen again and delivers the next kid just like she pulled out Mason? Well, I already established that I don’t need a peek into anyone’s delivery room (except I already watched one Kardash birth, so the second one is probably okay to watch for the sake of consistency). And that Lifetime movie where Rob Lowe plays Drew Peterson — I get to watch that televisual travesty, right?! Yeah, that’s fine. And what if The Shore and Kardash are in marathon mode on a Saturday and I’m doing laundry? Then I can watch them all I want because that doesn’t even count. *Self high-five*
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Ana Holguin writes PopHeart for The Idler.