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It’s best, when trying to be a crazy dog lady, to start with a stacked deck. If possible, get born into a family that considers the dachshund of the house to be your equal and sibling. My only sister, for example, was a dachshund-beagle mix named Panfila (may she rest in peace), and residing below her in the hierarchy of my family has taught me much about proper human-pet relations. As the eldest child, she reserved the right to sit in the front passenger seat on all car rides and she was allowed to sleep in my parents’ room whether her nights were fraught with bad dreams or not. I learned quickly that I was part of Panfi’s pack, she was part of our family and that, as they say, was that. This kind of familial environment creates a nice sturdy base for all your future craziness.

Remember to do as my family did and make sure the dog eats exactly what you eat. A little bit of egg with breakfast kibble, perhaps some cereal, and so on throughout the day. A fat dog is a happy dog. Or a Mexican dog. I forget which. Also, make sure to hang a picture of her on the Wall of Fame with all the other family photos. She should look as elegant and glorious as a dachshund-beagle posing in a 70s yellow town car can look.

Beyond the excellent and already cray-cray upbringing, the young dog-lady-in-training should dedicate herself to a multifaceted general canine education. The desire to obsess over doxies and doxies alone is powerful, I know, but push yourself to understand other breeds—you never know if your future dachshund son is going to bring home a bulldog girlfriend. It’s best to be prepared. Dedicating oneself to such studies early in life will be to your advantage; becoming literate in all things dog-related will be accepted as cute or lauded as a precocious interest in learning. The dorkiness of your pursuits may easily go unseen. Take advantage of this for as long as possible as you may someday wish to go on dates or become a respectable member of the community. But I digress.

On library days at school the young doggie lover should peruse periodicals like Dog Fancy (or Cat Fancy if that’s all that is in at that time—it doesn’t hurt to know the enemy). Introduce yourself to the genre of pet apotheosis in its many forms and varieties. Do your research. Watch episodes of Lassie—if you’re saddened by the black-and-white tones, the plaintive call for the old girl, the paw outstretched to you the viewer at once breaking the 4th wall and your heart, then you are well on your way! Bone up (har har) on every breed of dog known to humankind. Learn their strengths and weaknesses, their American Kennel Club classifications. Constantly ask for a puppy of your very own. Write poems about your sister-dog. Befriend the dogs of your friends and neighbors—start working on that rapport. The skills you gain here will last a lifetime.

Once you’ve made it to womanhood and you’re out in the world with your own crappy digs and a little spending money you’re ready to start your very own dog family—this time as the MOM! Select your dachshund puppies when they are teeny and at their peak helplessness and/or adopt a wiener mutt with a very sad history. Their desperate, needy nature will help bond you to your new kin. We all know that you can’t spell “smother” without “mother,” right?! Now, metaphorically take a string and tie a little knot around your happiness. Got it? Good. Proceed by tying the other end of that string to your dog children. Now you’re getting somewhere. Signs of crazy wiener dog lady success? Your Facebook is dominated by photos and stories about your dogs’ daily adventures, you religiously check in with The Long and the Short of it: A Dachshund Dog News Magazine to feel plugged into your dachshund community, all birthdays and holidays are commemorated with dachshund paraphernalia and myriad wiener punning Hallmark cards.

Ultimately, if you know what your dog would say in any given situation (or you’re sure that he’s actually saying it) and you live each day with the crippling fear that your four-legged friend might leave you (or you’re completely in denial that death is even a viable doggie option), well then, you’re doing it right.
Welcome to the club!