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We’ve all seen those little segments on fluffy morning “news” shows or the similar comparative layouts in fitness magazines — those ones that urge you to substitute one high-calorie meal for a delicious but healthier alternative. Eat this, not that, they say. You can have a black coffee, sausage sandwich and an orange for the same amount of calories as one of your syrup-soaked, chocolate drizzled, bucket-sized, morning drinks! Do it! Your waistline will thank you!

I present to you a list with a similar idea, only I’m breaking it down for you hottie-style. “Date This, Not That” features those awesome pop culture dudes that get your blood boiling along with more sensible alternatives that will be much better for you. Carry these lessons into your dating life and feel free to thank me effusively and with gifts later.*

1. Does the snikkity snikt of Wolverine’s adamantium claws tickle your fancy? Are you crazy for that muscle-bound frame, that rebellious nature, and those dangerously sexy out-of-this-world meathooks? Well, I love a mutton-chopped jerk as much as the next hipster, but why put up with all that boundless rage and those damn commitment issues when you could find the best in Beast? Date Henry “Beast” McCoy and you get all the fur with none of the cur! Erudite vocab, sweet spectacles, and fine manners? A relationship with this guy will surely last longer than a fling with ol’ Logan. Beast still has all that animal magnetism going for him, but with this X-Man you can chat about Mozart, Faulkner and molecular biology and stuff. He’s super agile, so um, use that as you will, and to please your bubby, he’s a doctor!

2. Julie Klausner dedicates an entire chapter of her book, I Don’t Care About Your Band, to Kermit guys and their toxic mix of adorableness and artsy-creative-drifter lack of accountability. As Klausner sees it, the strong, confident and vocal Piggies of the world are ready to karate chop their way through the glass ceiling at work and through the gendered song and dance of dating. Piggy doesn’t mind asking Kermit out, planning the date and paying for it. She’s a pig of the millennium. The problem comes when Kermie rarely gives anything back. He’s content to play his banjo and endlessly obsess about his shows—us satin-gloved gals deserve more care and attention.

Luckily, in Muppetland there are plenty of catches. Sweetums, a giant hairy monster, if not the most articulate or finely dressed fella, shares your smash-any-obstacle aggressive approach to life. Gonzo, though weird and at times annoying is doting, poetic, a romantic. And my favorite, Scooter, is an organized nerd with a snappy retro sense of style. This kid has drive (he always makes sure the show is running on time and everyone’s in place) and he shares much of the Weezer-esque qualities of our pal Kermit. Explore your many options and remember to tell yourself, “Only the best for moi.”

3. Don’t date any of these guys. Just don’t. Not even Vinnie.

4. Or these guys. Yuck. They are like lady-poison.

Moving on. . .

5. So, you love Archie. The freckles, the oxfords, that smoking hot ginger sex appeal. I get it, gf. But he’s so indecisive and he plays the field. One week he’s ga-ga for Ronnie, the next he’s letting Betty cook him a romantic meal. And that jalopy, well, it isn’t exactly the raddest ride in Riverdale.

What to do? Reggie is stuck up and jerky, Jughead lacks (non-food-related) motivation, Moose is a sporto and that’s not your bag. Well, I suggest the Bettys and the Veronicas try dating each other. You’re already best gal pals and who knows, maybe all that competitiveness and girl drama is covering up a latent attraction. Seriously, you’ve been chasing Mr. Andrews for 71 years — it’s not happening.

6. Laid back Hawaiian detective type?

I see no problem with such a candidate.

7. I don’t even know how to describe this one.

Give him a try, too, and report back with copious notes.

I hope this swapping lesson has been instructive. Go forth, and may you find your potential mate!

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*Full Disclosure, I am married to a ginormous red-head whose goals in life include: 1. Garnering more wizard power than Gandalf himself, 2. Getting better at Lovecraftian alchemy and 3. Probably nothing else because he is “already awesome.” So, maybe don’t take my advice. It’s not a science.

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Ana Holguin writes PopHeart for The Idler.